Letting Go – Part 2
There are reasons why I chose to analyse her experience with the man she loved, rather than analyse my own experience with her:
1) I was very familiar with her. When she did something I already knew what motivated her. When she said something, I knew what she really meant and wanted to communicate. I knew her better than she knew herself. I knew how she was before her rejection experience with that man, and how she became afterwards.
2) I am not better than her. Whatever she went through I knew that I was going to go through the same thing. I am just a human as she is, so I knew “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
3) Often times our own experience are too painful at the time for us to analyse them logically, and often times the strong emotions we feel prevent us from being objective, logical, and fair.
Knowing what she went through and how she responded to her experience, the next step was asking: What am I going through and how will I respond to it? I asked myself questions to emotions I started feeling due to that experience, and tried to answer them through God’s Word. Here are some examples:
1) Should I be bitter, angry, hateful, or vengeful?
The answer was no. It is not God’s will for a Christian to be bitter, angry, unforgiving, hateful, or vengeful.
2) Should I project this pain on any other woman or women in general?
The answer was no. It is not God’s will to generalize people, or project our hurts on others. Actually, the Bible says that we are comforted by Him and therefore we must comfort others.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
3) Should I distrust and devalue women, love, or marriage?
The answer was no. God’s will is to honour women, and value love and honour marriage.
4) Should I abuse, mistreat, manipulate or deceive women?
The answer was no. It is not God’s will to abuse, mistreat, manipulate, or deceive anyone.
5) Should I feel ugly, unwanted, unloved, or unworthy?
The answer was no. I am loved by God, and it is ungodly to give perishing physical looks more value than they deserve—to let our looks, as determined by humans, determine our focus in life. I am wanted and eternally love. I am so worthy that God sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for my sins.
Of course, there were some questions answered differently. God does not bring you through an experience for no reason—there is something(s) He wants to teach you. Here are a couple examples:
6) I grew up in the Middle East. I was very shy especially around girls, so I did not know much about girls. Growing up, as any young man, I desired to find a woman, fall in love, get married and be happy ever after. Because of my lack of knowledge about women I thought there were those angelic, pure, innocent creatures that could do no harm. Of course, that is not the lesson I learned. I learned that women are just like men: they are sinful human beings. They are motivated by all kind of evil and sinful desires. Desires to get even, to manipulate and deceive, to hurt and belittling someone and enjoy seeing someone getting hurt. If God did not take me through that experience, I would have never learned to look for a godly woman. Even though I knew what the Bible says, especially the book of Proverbs, about the characters of the godly and ungodly woman, I did not fathom the importance of marrying a godly woman until I went through that experience.
7) Because I grew up with a very low self-esteem I did not care for myself. So in that relationship it was all about her: her happiness, her comfort, her wants, her goals and dreams, her plans and her feelings. I thought: my goal is to love her unconditionally, purely, and be the best friend I can be to her. I thought that by doing my part then she will do her part, but I did not understand that by loving someone that does not mean they will love you back. By caring about someone, that does not mean they will care about you. By respecting someone’s feelings, that does not mean they will respect yours. When our friendship was over I realized that I was entitled to some happiness and comfort, to be loved and respected. I realized that no man (or woman) should be in a relationship where they are not appreciated; where they have to try so hard to earn the approval of the other person which is based on worldly standards. For the first time in my life I realized that I needed to be appreciated. For the first time in my life I realized that I deserve some happiness. That was an eye opener to me, because after that experience I stopped asking only, “What can I do for that person?” But also, “What can that person do for me?” And this is not about being selfish, but about finding the right, godly, and compatible wife. A wife who offers me no comfort, encouragement, or support—someone who is completely focused on herself, her feelings and needs–is not the right wife for me, or any other man for that matter.
8) I learned not to love so easily. I learned love must be respected and by loving so randomly and easily I am disrespecting love. Pure, innocent, godly and strong love is the most valuable gift you can give someone so be careful who you give it to. The Bible says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” (Song of Solomon 8:4) Do not force love. If you want to trust God, then I can think of no matter more deserving of trusting God’s planning and timing than finding your life partner. If you have something valuable would you put it in a place where it is vulnerable to be stolen? No. So why put your heart in the hands of someone who does not care for it?
9) I learned that it is not my role to heal people. I can only guide people to Christ, but I cannot, and should not, assume His role. I can comfort people but my comfort is not to substitute the comfort of Christ. I can love people but my love is not to substitute the love of Christ. I am to bring them to Christ, then step back and let Him take over. If you still want to intervene, then do it through prayers. Give God the space and time to do His work. Being someone’s god is the most unhealthy and emotionally destructive thing you can do to yourself and the other person.
10) I learned to proceed at a balanced and healthy rate in a relationship. You should not move in your feeling ahead of what the other person is feeling. You should not like, admire, have a crush, love, fall in love, and fall madly in love with a person, while the other person has not even liked you yet! You should take it one step at a time, and not take the next step until the other person takes the same step you had taken. If you comfort the other person, but the other person does not desire to comfort you then take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship. If you care for the other person but the other person does not care about you, you should take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship. The same applies to if they are kind, patient, respectful and loving toward you, or not.