1. Introduction: The Paradox of Devotion
We often speak of religious devotion as a climb toward the light, a series of steps that surely lead to peace. But for a young girl growing up in a devout home in Iran, the climb felt more like a descent. A Muslim encounter with the supernatural often starts with a search for purity, but for her, the rituals offered no refuge from her past. Having survived sexual assault by a relative at a tender age, she carried a “defilement” she felt she could never outrun. Driven by this internal agony, she threw herself into the heart of her faith, wearing the chador and performing rituals with frantic precision, only to find that the more she prayed, the more a specific darkness seemed to answer.
2. The “Empty Drum” of Ritualistic Performance
The narrator’s transition into deep religiosity was marked by what she calls “religious bureaucracy.” She managed her salvation with the rigor of an accountant, logging zikrs in a notebook and checking off verses. She describes this phase as the “empty drum.” The more she beat upon the rituals, the louder the internal hollowness resonated. To the women at the mosque, she was a “holy and righteous” teenager, but that communal praise functioned as a suffocating mask for her internal depression and suicidal ideation.
“I was a sinner, the terrible sinner… the most terrible sinner… I was always comparing myself with other people that they were in the mosques and worshiping and praying and I was like, look at them, look how holy they are. But inside me, I was like, I’m not like that… I always had this sense that I’m not enough, I’m not holy, I’m not righteous, I’m defiled.”
3. When “Holy Names” Invite Dark Entities
Seeking a final refuge from her trauma, the narrator turned to the Mafatih al-Jinan, a prominent book of Shia prayers. She followed its “prescriptions” for relief, chanting specific names from the 99 names of Allah a thousand times each. She expected light; she received a nightmare. She describes a terrifying manifestation of an eight-foot-tall dark figure. Most disturbingly, these entities, summoned through repetitive chanting, subjected her to a demonic echo of her childhood trauma. She concluded that these ritualistic practices functioned as a bridge to a kingdom of darkness.
“I repeated those like a thousand times according to those Mafatih verses and then guess what? You would think the light come to you… but I got more involved in demonic encounters… Darkness filled my room and the situation gotten even worse.”
4. The Red Flag of a “Carnal Paradise”
For a survivor of sexual violence, “holiness” is inseparable from “cleansing.” This is why the Quran’s depiction of the afterlife became a “red flag” for her. She found the promise of the huris—female angels reserved for the pleasure of men—to be deeply repulsive. When scholars mentioned the Ghilman (pearl-skinned boys) for women, she saw only an earthly mirror of her trauma. She reached a point of radical defiance, deciding she would rather face hellfire than spend eternity in a “paradise” that normalized the objectification she had suffered.
“How is it possible that you know this such a carnal things that you deal with them in your life… they’re very earthly, very carnally… This place is not really holy to me because I was seeking righteousness, holiness. I was seeking to get cleansed of what it is in my spirit… I didn’t want to go to a place after death that I have to witness these things.”
5. The Immediate Response of the “God of Light”
The narrator’s shift occurred when she stepped away from “vain repetitions” and issued a direct challenge to the “God of the Christians.” She didn’t ask for a ritual; she asked for the Truth. That same day, she experienced a supernatural encounter that shattered her religious framework. She encountered Jesus, not as a “mere prophet,” but as the source of an immediate “downloading” of peace and love. He offered absolute purity, an immediate presence, and unconditional security that required no beads or notebooks to track.
• Absolute Purity: A holiness that felt separate from all carnal impulses.
• Immediate Presence: A response that arrived in hours, not years of chanting.
• Unconditional Security: The removal of the “pointing finger” of condemnation.
“I asked I want to see him and he came to me… It’s not a god of confusion. It’s not you ask and you ask and nothing… He took my hands and he looked at my eyes… eyes full of love… This love was holy, was pure, was unconditional.”
6. The “Liquid Fire” of Radical Deliverance
The climax of her journey arrived through a supernatural “liquid fire” that accomplished in seconds what decades of mosque attendance could not. She describes a baptism of the Holy Spirit where a “heavenly turquoise” fire poured over her. In her spirit, she saw herself in a cage built from the “bondage of religion, bitterness, and trauma.” The fire did not burn her; it melted the cage. The ultimate proof was her sudden ability to forgive her abusers—a radical departure from a culture where revenge was the only prescribed cure for pain.
7. Conclusion: Two Kingdoms and One Choice
The narrator’s experience leaves no room for religious ambiguity. Her journey from ritualistic bondage to the “liquid fire” of the Holy Spirit convinced her that rituals can often be a sophisticated veil for the kingdom of darkness. Her story poses a final, probing challenge: If the rituals you lean on today are not providing the cleansing you seek, are you willing to ask for the truth—wherever it may lead?
Bible Verse References (ESV)
Matthew 6:7 “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words.”
Hint: A warning against the “empty drum” of ritualistic, repetitive chanting.
2 Corinthians 11:14 “And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.”
Hint: Explains how ritualistic “holy names” can sometimes mask darker spiritual entities.
John 8:36 “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” Hint: The promise of radical deliverance from the “cage” of religious bondage.
1 John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.”
Hint: The true cleansing the narrator sought, which rituals could not provide.
Matthew 5:44 “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute us.”
Hint: The supernatural ability to forgive and bless abusers after encountering Christ.
SOURCE: She Called on Allah Repeatedly and Something Dark Responded, Mohamad Faridi